I couldn’t bear the thought of
not posting something on this momentous day on our seasonal calendar. The day
we get to rip the Spring page off and reveal Summer. Actual, for real, SUMMER in all it’s caps lock glory.
A day, consciously or not, we’ve
all been counting toward for weeks. I’ve been excitedly planning all kinds of
summer adventures - camping trips and beach days, even a few sweltering days
in the brick-oven summer heat of New York City, with a day-dreamy weekend in beautiful
Vermont to balance it out. Jaden only has 2 more days of school left. This is it.
Summer is ON!
I’ve been thinking about this day
for weeks. What I want to say, what I want to write. And what it all means,
this big, exciting day when the seasons turn over. And I have sat down and written. Many times. But in blunt,
unedited honesty, I’ve just really been struggling. I’ve been sludging through
molasses trying to keep it going. To actually follow through. To keep moving on this
project I’ve set out for myself. Despite that annoying, bitch of a voice, who
keeps whispering in my ear that it’s not good enough, "It’s not interesting. Who
cares? And who really wants to read this anyway?!"
And despite the beautiful,
70 degree, promise-of-summertime days that have been sprinkled in over the last
few weeks, my spirit has been much, much more connected to the rainy, stormy,
cold-wind-blowing late Pacific Northwest spring days we’ve also been having. Those days
that folks around here love to talk about. How many times lately have you heard (or
said), “… IF we ever have summer around
here.” Or, “I HOPE we get a
summer this year.”
These are the days my mood
definitely more closely reflects right now. I’ve just been feeling a bit down
in the dumps. That feeling of wanting to hide away, of being bummed out, and just really struggling to write about the carefree summer days coming up, despite my
own excitement and anticipation for them. And what I’ve realized, as usual,
is that perhaps it’s not a coincidence that my spirit’s been feeling a little conflicted right now.
Because it’s an interesting
time, the summer solstice. Seasonally, we’re also a little conflicted right
now.
The summer solstice is, of
course, this wonderful beginning. It’s the first day of summer! But, it’s also an end. It’s the end of the days growing
longer. It’s exciting and awesome that today is the longest day of the year, but it’s also bittersweet. Because tomorrow … tomorrow the days begin
to get shorter again. Despite the
hot days of summer still to come, we also start to say goodbye to the seemingly endless hours of daylight, as the long dark nights start slowly creeping back in.
And I think perhaps I’ve been feeling
that, that bittersweet bite of this energized and exciting
time of year.
It’s also just been a
sad, sad time in this city with all these incredibly tragic deaths that have
happened recently. It really shook me. It made me look at my own mortality a
little bit, and that of my family, my love, my children. I can’t help but think
of all the horrible, horrible sorrow those families, and wives, and moms and
children and friends are experiencing over the loss of their beautiful, beautiful loved
ones. In an instant. Such unimaginable loss they’re all feeling. In an instant.
Everything was happy and good and fine and then, in a moment, it wasn’t
anymore. And that will certainly touch
your heart and affect your spirit. It will definitely bring you down and make you sad.
I found it fascinating to learn, in the midst of such unimaginable loss and heartache, that the
bittersweet nature of the summer solstice is, in its own small way, a time to
learn and practice saying goodbye. The summer solstice reminds us that nothing
lasts forever. That even when we’re our most happy, anticipating the glorious
summer days ahead, there’s still a sting that nothing can last forever, that slowly
but surely we are creeping back to the dark, cold days of winter.
Many, many times in our lives we
will have to say goodbye and let go when we aren’t necessarily ready to. I hope,
and I pray, in not nearly so devastating a way as our neighbors have had to. But our kids will grow faster than we’re ready for them
to, our lives will change, friends will come and go and we’ll have to say
goodbye, let go and move on. And it’s sad. It’s
hard. And it certainly drags your spirit down.
But it’s also a necessary part of
life. When things change, when a cycle comes to its end, we have to let go, ready or not.
So on this summer solstice, while
we're celebrating the beginning of this fantastic time of year, we’re also
letting go and saying goodbye. What are you letting go of, whether you’re ready
to or not?
Me, I’m trying my absolute
damnedest to let go of that nagging inner voice. I’m so ready to say goodbye to
her! That voice that tells me this project is silly. She’s making it nearly
impossible to finish a draft of anything worthwhile to post. So I’m leaving
her behind. I'm letting her go and pushing right on through.
